Bidoof'd
by IceCrome
Summary: One of the many ways in which Mamoru fails. Especially in Pokemon. Crack, OS.


_Originally planned as a V-Day fic, but considering I have nothing but contempt for Valentine's day, I wrote this. And I really wanted Mamoru to have an epic fail against a Bidoof. _

_© Naoko Takeuchi; Satoshi Taijiri_

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"_Pikachu, dammit, you will use thunderbolt and you will like it!_" Usagi swore against her Nintendo DS, seeing as her Pikachu was seeing the effects of a Clefairy using 'Minimize' too many times. Needless to say, the damn rat wouldn't hit the stupid, pink sack of _crap,_ (who was, oddly enough, Chibiusa's favorite pokemon) and now Usagi was seriously considering throwing the pink DS at the wall.

"I swear..." Usagi cheered as the pink menace was thwarted by the thunderbolt she fin_ally_ managed to spawn. She squealed, and clapped as she managed to beat that _stupid annoying Beauty _who should be stoned to death.

Meanwhile, ten feet away, Mamoru watched, amused, as his girlfriend squealed and cheered about a yellow rat that can, _apparently, _create electricity by using two red pouches on its cheeks, therefore it being able to cause massive blackouts in cities. Because even though Mamoru fully knew and was aware that it was a video game, it still made absolutely, positively no sense.

"Sweet! Level 80!" She cheered, stuck out her tongue adorably as she continued to train her pokemon restlessly. She was now in 'OMFG-YAY-LEVEL-UP' mode, which undoubtedly meant she was going to squeal at a decibel higher than usual, much to Mamoru's disdain (and amusement).

"Usako...could you tone it down a little? I don't want the neighbors calling in another noise complaint because you leveled up your Pikachu."

"Her name is Makoto and she has _feelings!" _Mamoru blinked, seeing as she named her own Pikachu after Makoto, the wannabe cook. He stifled a chuckle, fearing that would only attract unwanted attention.

"...do...do you have a Ninetails named after Rei?" Usagi blushed, and turned away so he wouldn't see the growing red on her face. Unluckily, he did, and was cheering himself for the mild victory inside.

"Usako...do you have one named after me?" She blushed, and looked away briefly. Usagi slowly nodded her head, which earned a quirked brow from the male demographic in the room.

"A-ano...My starter...Empoleon...I named him Endymion...but I named my male Roserade Mamo-chan..." He blinked. A freaking _rose _with a cape that looks _very feminine. _Thank you, Usako. At least make it something cool! Like...something with _swords..._protruding from its _arms..._

Wait, wasn't there a pokemon like that? He never paid attention anymore.

"And what about the other Senshi? And Chibiusa?" She blinked. Why was he so interested? He usually kept to himself when she was in the pokemon mood, but now he was all curious...it was scaring her.

He was acting strange. He was...was...what was the word? Oh yes. He was being _social. _It was scaring the wits out of her.

But anyway, she was glad he was being social for once!

"Oh! Well my Empoleon is Endymion...my Glaceon is Ami, Rei is my Ninetails, like you already said...Minako is my Ambipom...Makoto is my Pikachu and you, Mamo-chan, are my Roserade!" Usagi clasped her hands together, and smiled. Mamoru literally had to restrain himself from face-faulting.

Before he could lose his dignity, her butt started to buzz and vibrate, with the lyrics of 'Caramelldansen' pumping out through the speakers. She looked at it, and the words 'REI' were imprinted on it.

"Oh riiiight...I need to meet Rei-chan at the temple! Tell Chibiusa I'll help her with her Art drawing after I get home, Mamo-chan!" She pecked him on the cheek, and ran out the door, bolting down the stairs and to the temple.

Mamoru settled into deep, familiar silence, eyes darting as he read the paper. But something...some unrecognizable force would not allow him to tear his eyes off the stupid pink DS her parents had given her for Christmas.

What did she find so damn fascinating about that game? And why did she give his name(s) to an emperor penguin and a talking, moving rose that had bouquets of death on the end of its arms?

...this is why he stuck to reading physics instead of playing a cockfighting simulator. No matter how many children's minds it had raped when the cartoon came out.

But the damn thing was taunting him. _'Haha, your girlfriend spends more time with me at the moment than she does with you. Plus you haven't gotten laid in a month.'_

Okay. _That. Was fucking. It_.

The taunting had to stop! He had to look and see at what was so goddamn endearing about that stupid DS.

He opened the top, and glanced at it, looking around for the power button. Dammit, why was technology so complicated these days? There couldn't be a giant ON/OFF button for the people who happened to be incapable with any technology at all. Like Mamoru.

After realizing that the stupid on/off switch was on the side (_seriously) _Mamoru managed to sit through the determined amount of time (which felt like for_-freaking-_ever) to get through the opening, and finally, _finally, _he was in the game.

"Okay...obviously, the directional pad moves me around..." He had played his fair share of video games at Motoki's arcade (despite numerous failed attempts and mocking words from Motoki), but this one was just _weird. _And it was popular! A cockfighting simulator was _popular_!

Mamoru's grasp on reality was fleeting.

He walked around aimlessly for a while (in the _game)_, and found out that a giant blue computer could hold more of those little buggers called 'Pokemon'. He found a Togekiss (apparently) nicknamed 'Haruka', a Milotic nicknamed 'Michiru', a Gardevoir nicknamed 'Setsuna', and an adorable minion of darkness Umbreon nicknamed 'Hotaru'. He gave a low chuckle, and sighed. Usagi was so innocent and adorable. But he wondered what they would think if they saw?

_'This could be a perfect flashback moment, if only I knew...' _He sighed.

Walking around aimlessly for about ten minutes or so, he managed to find out the town's name was 'Jubilife City', which made absolutely no sense for a cockfighting simulator. Jubilife? What did that even _mean? _Even Mamoru's firm grasp on vocabulary couldn't help him in this situation.

He managed to get out into the grass without frying his brain or the mechanical screws and cogs of the fair DS. Which was, in itself, a goddamn miracle. His horrible grasp on technology and anything with a wire was fleeting, so Usagi had to set everything up in the house that was electric. And dammit, it was sad to say she did a better job than he ever would.

With exciting music pounding out the speakers, he jerked in his seat as a fighting scene came up. Why did the music have to be so _bloody_ loud? Honestly, was Usagi going _deaf_ or something? Maybe those games _were_ rotting her brain.

"What the hell...?" The awkward-looking mouse/beaver/Rejected Cloverfield design made a weird noise, and stayed there, quite possibly giving him the image of what Mr. Bean and a beaver's offspring would be. Horribly awkward. _Horribly._

However, seeing as he managed to somehow end up with only the Roserade, (or _him) _he had only one pokemon to use against the feral beast. He wanted the thing dead, because he would be having nightmares otherwise.

"Uh...I'll...use...uh...energy ball....I....guess..." The attack managed to miss, and the _stupid beaver _used tackle, landing a critical on 'him'. However, the critical did absolutely next to nothing. He blinked again, and tried using another attack that didn't suck as much.

"Okay...how about...poison jab?" The attack managed to hit, but the level 79 Roserade's attack only managed to cut the level 5 Bidoof's HP in half.

According to logic, this, to Mamoru, made absolutely no sense! The thing should be dead! Logic was useless in this situation. It was a cockfighting simulator.

When Mamoru looked back down, the Bidoof had somehow managed a hit that brought his HP down to less than half. Okay, what the _hell. _Was the world conspiring against him?! This did not make any sense! Seriously. It didn't make any sense. Logic was failing him, and logic _never_ failed the great Mamoru Chiba. Goddammit, he was getting confused.

Again, he used energy ball, with the attack failing once more. He wanted to throw the stupid girly device against the wall, but could not. Usagi would have his royal ass chopped off and made into stew, which she would then force-feed him. The girl was damn-near _scary _when angered.

However, when the Roserade fainted against one more feral 'Tackle', it took all his moral fiber to not, repeat, _not _destroy that thing and hope that the poltergeist settled inside would be killed on impact with the wall. No, he didn't destroy it, but many regrets for wishing he did.

However, it took all his moral fiber and the moral fiber of King Endymion suddenly taking over to not throw the DS against the wall when bright, bold red words on the screen read 'GAME OVER, YOU SUCK!'. He had just been defeated.

_By a Bidoof._

How degrading was that?! He was beaten by a freaking _beaver. _

And the game managed to make him feel like crap, too. Oh man, he was _never _playing this again. And he would make sure Usagi didn't, either. If only he had the power of mind control...

But he could throw roses! Yeah. Awesome. Plus he had a dapper top hat.

But non of those would be useful in helping Usagi forget about the _stupid cockfighting simulator. _

Of stupid. And annoyance.

Deciding he was being rather childish, he thought of a full-proof plan to get Usagi's mind off of it, if only for a little bit. And so, with the DS in his hand and a plan in his mind, he frolicked off towards where her parents lived.

Yes, you read correctly.

Frolicked.

* * *

Usagi sighed, wiping a line of sweat off of her forehead. Rei needed all the help she could get for 'Crazy Day' at the temple. Prices on charms were so low, it was crazy. And she needed some hands to help pretty the place up and help sell the damn charms at the Hiwaka Shrine. Needless to say, three hours of it wasn't very fun, and Usagi looked forward to spending the evening with Mamo-chan and Chibiusa, on the couch, watching movies.

She unlocked the door, and looked around the house. "Mamo-chan? Chibiusa...?" She blinked, and shrugged. Maybe Mamo-chan went out for a walk...? Chibiusa had to be asleep by now, anyway.

She sighed, and walked into the bedroom, and started unhooking her earrings. Her earrings and jaw dropped to the ground. The entire room was decked out with candles, and roses lay out in the bed. The room had a musky, but nice, scent in it.

"Wha-...?!" Usagi was broken from her thoughts as somebody wrapped their arms around her.

"Usako..." He kissed her neck, and she shivered.

"Mamo-chan...what's this all about?" She turned around to look him in the eyes, which promptly melted into a kiss that made her lips tingle afterwards.

"Just promise me you'll never play _Pokemon _again..."

"M'kay..." She said, still on a contact high from the kiss. Mamoru smiled.

"Good..."

And the two promptly had sex.

Exclamation point!

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_Why can't I write sexy scenes?! They turn into crap._

_And that ending sucked. _


End file.
